The Perils of having a Multiple Relationship

I've had an off & on relationship with a few men in the last four years I've been in Salt Lake City. No matter how hard I try to get them out of my life, they seem to return time & time again. Each time they leave, I always walk them out my front door, and with a big sigh, I utter these words: "I hope I don't see you again. I pray this will be the last." And each time, they leave with a knowing grin on their faces because sooner or later, they know they'll hear from me again. And of course, inevitably, I end up calling them... again & again.

Making the matter worse is how I wait for them like a puppy waiting for its owner to come home, counting the hours, or rather the minutes. I think they get a kick out of having me wait desperately. They show up an hour or two late each time, and just when I can't take it any longer & am about to dial the phone mad as hell, I can hear their car pull up the driveway. And of course when they knock on that door, my anger turns to a whimper of sort & I open the door slowly, totally defeated, yet glad to see the familiar face.

As they rotate & take their turns, it always takes a few minutes to get reacquainted with each of them. We always start by shooting the breeze about what happened the last time they were here. It's never a pleasant conversation as it's a memory I'd like to forget. Not only is the experience always painful emotionally, but the angst I feel before & after they leave drains me for days. That's when I want to leave this house & everything in it, and start somewhere new. Each time, what runs through my mind while they are here for those few hours is why is it that I still can't find a reliable man or have a real man in my life so I don't have to call them up.

I cringe at the thought of them talking to one another. (Yes, they know each other.) I wonder what they say. It's probably something along the lines of, "That poor chick...what is she doing still living in that big old house by herself. So pathetic...when do you think she'll get tired of calling us & leave Utah?" I wonder if they talk about what their visits cost me & the fortune I've spent on them over the last few years.

Larry, who was here just yesterday said, "Don't worry. I'm only charging you for two hours." "Thanks," I said with a trace of sarcasm in my voice, but he didn't seem to notice. $400 bucks! (I really need to switch my line of work.) Steve had only charged me $150 when he was here last, but then he was only here for half an hour. He's good & works fast, I suppose. I guess I should be thankful it wasn't John. Last time he was here it was $1,500, and the time before that, $5,000! F***!

I really hate Utah. Why didn't anyone tell me the cold winter will mess me up? (I guess my ex did, but all he talked about was the weight I was gonna gain from hiding out in the house all winter long.) How the hell was I supposed to know to take the damn hose off the faucet?! I didn't last year & nothing happened! Why now?! Why me, god?! How is a valley girl from Los Angeles to know that that's a potential disaster? Seriously, how many times will I have to pull up the carpet in that damn basement of mine before I leave this house & move back to California?!? How many times do I need to call Roto-Rooter & have Larry, Steve, and John rotate through my house with a smirk on their faces?! How many?!

All that money & not an ounce of pleasure! What's the point of a relationship with men when the groans that leave my mouth aren't from ecstasy but the pain that comes from my miserly salary going down the drain, literally!

Matt, thanks for keeping me company this time. It eased the pain & for a second made me forget he was in the house.

Another Passion?

Every time I run into Mr. Wright, he comments on how stale my blog has become since I wrote about the miseducation of the American children. He is right. I've been neglecting my blog. Not only have I been busy since last August getting back into the real world of working 5 days a week, but the end of the year brought holiday cheers & no time for indulging myself in front of my computer spewing my thoughts online. Plus my mom spent a month with me here in SLC, spoiling me to no end, and I just became a lazy bum doing absolutely nothing but the one thing that led to my new passion.

So what's this new passion I speak of? Sewing! (I know, I know,my passion's forever changing on a whim, but hey, this is how I can live alone & never be bored.) A few months ago, I scored some free passes to go see a movie called Bright Star. It's a story about my new favorite poet, John Keats (Sorry Rilke, the English have such sexier accent than the Germans.) & his love, Fanny Brawne. Fanny's outfits were so amazing, the picture so beautifully shot, I ended up watching a ton of period movies while my mom was in town. I've always adored period films & once upon a time even contemplated going to a fashion school to learn costume design. Well, I just had to make one of those dresses.

I seriously was born in the wrong century & the wrong race. I simply adore the early 1800's & would have loved the life of Emma & others in Jane Austen's books. Lauren & I were lamenting how wonderful life would've been for us had we been born then...none of this having to work for a living, mortgage, worrying about global warming, but rather enjoying a quiet life in the country during the summer months reading books and having tea parties; and then spending the rest of the year in the city going to balls dancing with those dashing, eligible, educated gentlemen.

Well, I bought myself a serger & a new sewing machine, and have signed up for a sewing class online. It's not just any old sewing class, but a class that teaches you all about Regency Wardrobe making. I've already made a lovely 50's style apron for practice before I dive into more challenging ball gown I intend to wear to Mr. Wright's wedding party in May. As Mrs. Wright happens to be a super-seamstress as rumor has it, I hope to recruit other ladies & start a sewing group in my basement & serve tea. I hope to upload pictures here as I begin my journey & keep up this blog as well. Wish me luck.


Bright star, would I were steadfast
by John Keats

BRIGHT star! would I were steadfast as thou art—
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night,
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like Nature’s patient sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task	5
Of pure ablution round earth’s human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors—
No—yet still steadfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow’d upon my fair love’s ripening breast,	10
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever—or else swoon to death.

1819