Work officially starts for me tomorrow. Thought I was going to go in a day early to start the week off on a Monday instead of Tuesday, but can't seem to get myself out of the house. It was such a fun summer, I don't want it to end, even though it has ended. The thought of being around 30 or so grouchy teachers for a week before the kids show up is making me a little depressed.
I don't get it. I always thought teaching & being around kids were the reasons for my youthful looks and my silliness; but other than myself, many of the other teachers I have worked with look so withered, tired, and old, not to mention angry. Perhaps this is why I've never really made friends at work & keep a distance, and probably why most think I'm anti-social, and would be shocked to find out how easily I make friends.
I remember when I first started teaching, I was surrounded by either old timers who couldn't wait to retire (and hated kids) or young people who were those types that never shared their notes at school or ever let you copy their work. It loyally sucked being around downers like that, and so I kept myself away from the lunchroom and hung out with the kids in the playground. I could never understand what the big deal was that my students ran down the hallway ('cause I do sometimes, too) & didn't walk in a straight line like little soldiers, and began to hate all the dumb rules they had in schools. (Don't they remember being kids themselves? I used to wonder.) Of course I've grown up a bit and realize some of those rules are there to keep the kids safe, but I still say most are BS.
Like last year, I had this character in my class whom I adored. He was like a little midget (everyone thought he was a kindergartner even though he was in first grade) & funny as h*ll. He apparently got into a lot of trouble with his teacher the year prior, but with me, he became the star of the class. He wrote crazy, awesome stories after spending a week refusing to use capitals & lower case letters properly (hE thOugGht iT wAs reTarDed tHat hE couLdn't Use thEm aNyway he wAnTed) until I finally got him to understand why it was necessary; and even convinced me to let him stay in during recess with the argument that it was a better use of his time to help me or work on a project than walk around the yard aimlessly since he didn't feel like playing any games. How could I say no to that argument?
He actually became the most popular kid in the entire school because whenever we'd have school performances, he'd do this crazy act (sort of like the Hasen-dance if you watched the video clip on my earlier post). I thought he was hilarious and let him do his thing because otherwise, he would just be this weird looking midget everyone made fun of. But with his antics, he took the attention away from his size & became the rock-star as noted by all the six graders.
Well, I got called into the office and got in trouble for encouraging him. My principal thought Connor, the midget, was acting inappropriately, and ruined the performances when in my opinion, he's what made those boring performances actually enjoyable to watch. And each time we did anything in the auditorium, I was warned to keep him in line. So in order to keep my job, I had to beg Connor to be ordinary. Of course he tried to argue he wasn't hurting anyone (which is the one thing I try to teach them all year with being kind & compassionate), but when he realized I was in trouble, he gave in.
So this brings me to the movie I saw yesterday which also made me depressed: Brideshead Revisited. Not only did it make me depressed, but made me want to move. Had no idea it was going to have such heavy religious repression & guilt splashed all over it. I thought I was going to see a British literary costume drama with the plummy accents & hunky yet so civilized men, but came out feeling punched in the stomach by Catholicism & its lethal weapon. Not just Catholicism (I was baptized Catholic), but just religion in general with its moralizing, which in this movie drives a homosexual character to drink to escape the guilt (which essentially ruins his life) and poisons the love between two other characters.
The movie tried to show a comforting power of faith in midst of its power to destroy; but what I saw was how it manipulated a person into succumbing to what he could only view as comfort in the misery of his guilt-ridden, repressed life, or rather life full of lies and half truths. I see it all around me, especially in this State where most call themselves Mormon and "follow" the rules of their church. I've met quite a few gay men who are "trying" not to be gay, which is so sad because the church they love is telling them who they are is wrong. I know it's not just the Mormons, and this happens in most religions and cultures, but that's just it. All organized religions seem to say, our way is the right way, keeping people out who are different rather than embracing everyone for who they are.
So today I wonder if I want to live and work in a city where so many either live a repressed life because they've been told it's living in sin to drink, masterbate, have sex, be gay, etc. or live a life of half truths because they have to hide their lifestyle to their family. I know it's not all black and white, and am probably reacting to this so strongly because I, myself, was raised in a religious family; but do I want to raise my future kids in a city where they "marinate" because having premarital sex is wrong & beat themselves up for masterbating? Do I want them to be around kids who habitually lie & hide their true selves b/c their religious family will judge them?
Who makes up these dumb rules & why do they brainwash young kids into believing that so many things are sinful that they live in frustration & guilt? I just can't seem to help but grapple with this aspect of religion which keeps me away & makes me want to withdraw from it completely.
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